Real, Raw and Rising. Anecdote 8

MS-One year later

It’s been a year! One whole year since I was diagnosed with aggressive onset MS. I want to say I am doing amazing. And I am in so many ways. But, it’s not how I imagined it would be.

I imagined that once through my initial attack, that my body would level out, and I’d feel normal for a time. Everyone kept telling me of a “friend they had with MS who is doing great”. And I kept thinking there would be a point that I was doing great again. I kept thinking, I’d be great then every once in a while have a relapse then go back to being great. I don’t know why I thought this. Maybe it was everyone telling me of their “Friend with MS who is doing great,” or maybe it was my own naivety. But, as I neared my year mark, I finally came to the realization that I would never be how I was before.

I was crying one night, by myself, just frustrated that things were so incredibly hard. That I tired so easily. I was always in pain. That my mind was foggy so much more than I wanted. As I cried I started feeling the darkness of untrue thoughts passing through my mind. Thoughts that said, “I wasn’t doing what I should have been, so God had to give me MS.” “It was my fault, for not being good enough.” I knew these thoughts were lies. And in my mind, I screamed for them to go away, that they were not true.

Immediately, my mind was calmed and a very clear impression came over me. “I gave you MS as a gift, to help you become who you’re meant to be.”

I can’t believe how quickly my mindset changed. At that moment, I was okay with MS. Okay with how hard it is. Ok with how it’s changed my life. Because MS is my gift. I can’t believe how much I needed the comfort those words would bring. And I am forever grateful for them.

I always want to remember those words and the peace and clarity they brought me, so I wrote them down and hung them in my room so on my really hard days I can read them and I can remember my gift. And remember the peace and light I felt when those words came to me.